by Tina-Faye Flanigan
(Command deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise)
Spock: Captain, despite prevailing theories refuting the existence of a universal nucleus, we seem to have stumbled upon the axis of existence, the “Center of the Universe.” It is a bar in San Antonio, Texas.
Kirk: How do you know, Spock?
Spock: In accordance with the Big Bang Theory, the inhabitants seem to have expanded outward, equally in all directions.
Kirk: Ah, I see.
Spock: Additionally, it is clearly labeled.
Kirk: You are wise as always, my friend. Scotty, beam us into the structure.
(Pause)
Kirk: Scotty?
Spock: He went in a few minutes ago, Captain. His keen Scottish nose detected beer in the vicinity.
Kirk: I'd envy the man if he weren't a ginger.
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It doesn't take long for the San Antonio beer drinker to sniff out Hills & Dales, the self-proclaimed “Center of the Universe,” located on the north side of Loop 1604 just east of Babcock. The 40-year-old ice-house-turned-beer-mecca retains the unrefined atmosphere of its original form – a gas station.
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(Outside the bar)
Spock: The frontal perimeter is protected by a hairy species clad in leather armor with primitive metal transportation devices, while the sides are flanked by a younger, unbearded, collared sect, seemingly of a related, though dissimilar species.
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On Wednesday nights, the front porch of Hills & Dales radiates with testosterone and chrome as 50-100 motorcyclists from all over the city come to meet up and show off their gear. This scene is in marked contrast to the more cotton-friendly, hang-out-dude crowd seated mere feet away on the open-walled, wooden side porch.
Part of the attraction of Hills & Dales for the adventurous beer drinker is this diverse crowd. At first glance, it is a study in stereotypes fit for the Cambridge Police Department's “Yes You Can! Profiling Made Easy” training manual: white-collar stiffs, leather-vested bikers and khaki-clad college students drinking in their respective corners. Upon surveying the scene, the beer drinker expects that at any minute a spontaneous song-and-dance number will ensue with each tribe showcasing its high kicks, threatening a knife fight at some point in the middle, and ending in a harmonious Broadway-belt-style chorus, arm in arm. However, in reality, if any interaction among strangers is to be had, it will happen at the dart boards, where solos, groups, and everything in between can almost always find a pick-up game.
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(Entering the bar)
Spock: It seems the leather-clad guardians have been appointed to keep watch over this cornucopia of beers, by my count over 400 bottles.
Kirk: And that must be at least 15 brews on tap.
Spock: 54, Captain.
Kirk: The air...is thick...with smoke.
Scotty: Heylo Capsain...(slobber slobber)
Kirk: Scotty found the Belhaven Ale. You know, I wouldn't mind a nice, cold Sam Adams. And I'm sure Chekov's just itchin' for an Old Rasputin. Sulu, Asahi?
Sulu: I'd rather drink my own urine.
Kirk: My friend, that day may come. But tonight, we drink beer.
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The only thing more diverse than the crowd at Hills & Dales is the beer selection. Smooth beers, hoppy beers, foreign beers, fancy beers, sweet beers, bitter beers, naughty beers, silly beers, beers that make you taller, beers that make you smaller, beers with mustaches and funny hats – they're all available and priced on a sliding scale of pretension. Even better – take a six-pack to go (mix and match) and get 30% off.
Hills and Dales
“The Center of the Universe”
Loop 1604 & Babcock
Brews on Tap: 54
Bottles: More than 400
Special Events: Wednesday night bike nights
Thursday through Saturday nights live music
Football season NFL Sunday games on Direct TV
Discounts: 30% off six-packs (mix and match) bought and carried out